is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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