I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
