was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
