If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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