Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
