you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
