it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
