I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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