The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
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