That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
