i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I think I won the penis lottery.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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