I met the friendliest cop last night
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize