Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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