Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
