when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
