Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
