I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
