he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize