There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Semen is not good for contacts.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
