he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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