I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
