you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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