Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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