and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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