I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
