The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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