If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
