I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
