Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize