How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
