I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
kristin has been a bad kristin
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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