my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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