Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
All I want is dick and wine.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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