Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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