Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
