did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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