So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
