They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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