i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
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