Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
