Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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