when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
as a side note pls kill me
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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