He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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