i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
