HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
