Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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