did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
