just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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