Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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