sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
