Got a toothbrush?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
