I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
