I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
