highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
