woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
