I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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