Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Is it because I queefed?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
