I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
