I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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