he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
