I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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