phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
