I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
