dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
