I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
