for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
