Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
